“A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. Their purpose is to shake you up, drive you out of [a situation] that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life.” EPL
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It’s like you have that light bulb moment when you just know it’s time to let go.
It’s time to let go of the anger. and the hurt. and the animosity. and the contempt. I still don’t think I’m ready, but I think it’s that time.
It’s been exactly one year today since I last saw this person. One year since I drove to his home to pick up Charles, who he had been dog-sitting while I was out of town. One year since I made a quick, but unnoticeably quiet run through of his house picking up the few of my belongings that were left there. One year since I said to Charles as we walked down the stairs towards my car, “I hope you enjoyed your week. Because neither of us are ever going to be in this house again.” It’s been one year since I walked away from three children that were the light of my life. Three children that I could only have loved more if they were my own flesh and blood. One year ago today, I cried the whole way home. And for the next three months straight.
I knew it was time for this relationship to pull to a close and I knew that I had to be the one to pull the trigger. He needed it to be my fault and I was finally willing to give him that. 36 hours later, via text message, I instigated a fight. The fight. The only fight that was strong enough to not only create boundaries, but to keep them firmly in place for a very long time. We both lack in self-control so I knew this fight had to be stronger than both of us. Strong enough to end the drama that had been dragging out for months. Strong enough to break it completely and irreparably. Strong enough so neither one of us would ever be willing to go back. It had to be done that way.
One year later as I sit quite literally on the opposite side of the world it all feels like it was just a dream. I listen to my friends that are going through remarkably similar situations and I hurt for them. I know the pain, the anger, and the pure rage that they are experiencing. And it makes you wonder… are there any good people left? Sometimes the people who you think are better than the rest actually end up hurting you the worst. And now, not only how do you learn to trust others again, but how do you learn to trust yourself again? After all, you trusted this person and you let them in. The pain is just as much your fault as it is theirs. Or maybe that is just my weird way of looking at it.
I post this now only because I know so many people going through similar situations… At some point, you will realize when it’s time to let go. The timeline and the circumstances for everyone are different and only you will know when that time is right. It is said that it takes half the length of the relationship to really be able to let go and move on and so far that seems true. My only advice to those going through heartache is to use the anger. Let it propel you into the next chapter of your life. If you use it for good, anger can be an amazing motivator. It will help you get through the pain and the devastation, but use it now because you can’t hold onto it forever.
I think the fact that I have been crying while writing this entire post proves that I’m not quite over it yet, but I’m getting there.
In the words of Richard from Texas, “So miss him. (“them” in my case) Send [them] light and love every time you think of [them] and drop it.”
Exactly one year later, it’s time to let go.
We've all been there, Amy. I'm glad that you are healing, and that you've made such huge changes in your life. That's very brave!
ReplyDeleteI can't thank you enough for posting something like this. I have needed a way to describe the way I've been feeling (see above from EPL) and this is exactly it. My best friend of 5 years - also my husband of 16 months - left me about amonth ago because he said he realized he was too selfish for a relationship and just wanted to be alone. I've done nothing but cry about this for weeks, until recently I decided I was going to go to Korea to teach English for a year and find myself, outside of all of this at home. I happened to stumble across your blog while searching for some information about living in Korea as a foreigner. I'm so glad I did. I hope that you can feel at ease with your situation and move on to a greater happiness sooner rather than later. Life is short, and unpredictable. Thank you again for these words. They've spoken to my soul.
ReplyDeleteEllen, Ontario, Canada
Hello Ellen! Thank you so much for your kind words. Korea is the best thing you can probably do for yourself right now. Life is amazing here.
ReplyDeleteAnd please contact me if you have any questions about Korea! I would love to talk to you more.
Ellen and Amy,
ReplyDeleteMan, thanks for these posts (Ellen, I'm also from Ontario)...you both have perfectly described a little of what I have experienced in the past couple of years. I have had to pray my anger away to not let it eat me (because of a past relationship and situation). Thank you for reminders of courage and strength to move past the pain and emptiness to reach out for something better. I have been inspired and encouraged. Korea may perhaps be the next step for me.